i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
