She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Someone came in the potted fern
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
