Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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