6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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