I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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