and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
