Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
