I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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