Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
