I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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