the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
