I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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