I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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