I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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