Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
