just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
someone owes me an orgasm
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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