Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
