I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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