don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
