The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
