If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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