You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
