I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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