she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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