I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
