Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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