I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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