come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
