never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
