Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did I show you my penis last night?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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