Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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