Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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