I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
