Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
