I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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