she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize