So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
