I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
