I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tornado booty call.. dedication
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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