i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
