Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
