I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
