probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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