Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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