Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
