I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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