Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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