if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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