Your mouth is God's brothel.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's shark week go big or go home
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize