I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
