an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
why do cheetos always look like penises
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize