You made me cry and you don't even care
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
