can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
