She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
