How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize