someone threw a dead crab at me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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