Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
