eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
