Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
