Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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