The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
