Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
