I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
