She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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