I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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